Whenever I write on here I try to keep it subtle and eloquent and way more composed than my typically jumbled thoughts because that’s one more thing I don’t want people to see about me- how I’m so lost and don’t ever know what I’m saying or doing or thinking- not to mention it wouldn’t even make sense reading these posts to myself otherwise.
But I just need this one post to vent and rant and complain about every little thing in my life- problems that I’m sure many people have to deal with but don’t require this much attention or need to feel the satisfaction of saying things to forget, once and for all. So here we go-
We’re going to be juniors and I am not excited nor ready nor relieved nor happy I am scared out of my mind and I’m in denial that school starts. I’m not scared that I won’t get straight A’s or won’t get asked to prom or fail the ACT. Okay I lied I am but not as much as I’m scared that I’m just going to hate myself more and more and put myself in a worse and worse position through the stress of school and sports and family and everything. And especially my family they’re great so much of the time but sometimes I literally can’t handle them- I need to get out of this town now, I make excuses to spend the nights at friends’ houses, I tell them practice ends later than it really does and listen to loud trashy music alone in my car, and I’ve lived in the basement the whole summer and still can’t stand being home. I literally lie to get out of the house and sit in parking lots crying or spend nights driving around town over analyzing things and it’s all I can do, runs help occasionally but I hate exercise, music is just noise, and even sleep just puts things off. When I’m stressed I can eat though and I can eat so much, I don’t even think I know what it feels like to be full it’s just distracting and u g h I wish I wasn’t like this. Things aren’t even close to perfect for me but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if they were. Perfection is overrated as are first impressions, but all I want is for people to see me that way. I want to be that girl that is varsity three sports and good at gym and powderpuff football and goes to state for everything and looks cute dressed in sporty clothes, I want to wear all that trendy Tumblr-esque American Apparel Topshop Kate Spade Michael Kors Brandy Melville clothing and have the body for it especially, I want perfect grades and expensive things and popularity and basically a combined image of the best things I know out of everyone- I want to be the prettiest girl from my school mixed with the most athletic and the smartest which will never happen but what pathetic and shallow dreams and aspirations. Hoping for the perfect family with beautiful parents and siblings and cute family dinners and game nights and with professional photos and cute Christmas cards and a caring mother and funny father. I want to make my room and my car and our house all cute and I want to always be somewhat put together, and if not I want to be the exact opposite. Like I’m either going to break down and cry or I’m going to want myself to seem like I have everything going perfectly because in between is mediocre and in between is everyone else, whom I’m not so different from but just can’t accept. Ah and I don’t know what happened to the girl I used to be, I had such high hopes for the future and so much motivation and lately that’s all been gone. I don’t bother wearing any makeup if I won’t be seeing school people, and my parents have been bugging me since birth to study for ACTs SATs etc. etc. and I just can’t bring myself to do it and problems like those that probably many people can relate to but it’s sort of a big deal for me because I used to be so high maintenance, I’d get up extra early to try and look good and I’d stay after practice to make up missed yardage and I’d practice hours of piano daily. The only thing still going for me is school because the only people more disappointed than my parents will be me if I let that one go, but with the amount of stress and work this year I’m genuinely worried about it. I had so many thoughts on my mind when I started this post but I don’t know what to say anymore so I’m just going to end it here and maybe add more later. The title doesn’t even make too much sense at this point but ignore it, ever since I deleted my twitter no one’s been reading this anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem. Stay beautiful y’all and enjoy the rest of August, thanks for your time.