Author Archives: Phoebe

The Girl Every Girl Is Jealous Of

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The Girl Every Girl Is Jealous Of

Thought Catalog

Her hair is always shiny. It’s long, but not too long, and never has split ends. It’s that dark, warm chestnut color that seems to be infinitely deep, with the halos of light that reflect off of it every few inches. It seems to move in one solid sheet, rippling and flowing and always falling perfectly over her shoulder. She smiles when she looks up at you, taking a small handful of that hair and flipping it to the side. It’s put together, but never fussy.

She has a good job, and you’re never quite sure what it is, but you know that it’s important. It’s for something like a non-profit, or a think tank, or something she refers to as a “firm.” (And you aren’t even sure what a “firm” really means.) She works long hours, and does her job, but she never seems too tired. When she takes…

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What Happens When You Let Go Of Your Sadness

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What Happens When You Let Go Of Your Sadness

Thought Catalog

There are people who bottle their sadness in scientific test tubes the way doctor’s bottle disease. They sit and wait until the doors are latched and the home is quiet. When they shoot up their demons, it’s not so much of a hit as it is a spiraling slide down to the pit of their belly to feast on the inner stomach lining. They become so lost in the haze of sadness that they are kept estranged from a rotating lighthouse trying to bring them home. Soon they’ve become too busy wrapping lifelines around the base of their throat to even hope that they might have it in them to save themselves.

This is what happens when sadness tells you that it is worthy, but your happiness is not. This is what happens when you believe it.

Do not give up on the idea of a life without heavy anchors tempting…

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Zero to Hero: What’s On Your Mind? (Day 3)

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Today’s Zero to Hero challenge is to write the post that was on your mind when you first started your blog. I did write a brief introductory post when I began HappyGoUnlucky, but have now password protected it due to too much personal information and a bit of embarrassment. However, I will explain more about that in tonight’s post with a brief synopsis and reflection of the past.

Reading some of my older posts makes me sad because I can’t believe I used to feel such a way about myself. I would make lists of all the things I hated in my life and never even knew what I had going for me; I’d cry myself to sleep for nights on end and never wanted to see my friends and was always so moody, irritable, and temperamental. At one point, I couldn’t believe even then how much I hated myself; I would look at Facebook pictures of other girls and compare body image, and I became so jealous of girls I considered my friends for things like academic achievements, appearance, and personal possessions. When I started this blog, I just really needed a friend to talk to and I honestly believed I had no one in my life to play that role. I remember reading a few of the senior girls’ blogs from journalism, and while personal, they were extremely well-worded and eloquent. I wanted to be them- I wanted to have a cute relationship and J. Crew clothes and I wanted to have some idea of where I was going in life and how I would get there- something they all seemed to know and proved through writing about daily happenings in their lives. It was fun reading their posts and I was jealous of them, and I’ve always wanted that so badly- for people to be jealous of me, for people to look at my life and think, “Wow, she’s got it all put together”. I most definitely don’t and don’t think I ever will, but sophomore me thought that even tricking people into believing that would be substantial enough. I think part of me started this blog as an effort to pretend my life was going better than it really was, and it boosted my self-esteem and gave me a place to vent and store feelings I didn’t feel comfortable enough telling people. I started this blog as a sad and confused sixteen-year old, and I’m not here to say that I am now a happy and confident seventeen-year old; life doesn’t work that way. And I don’t want to say that things are better now because they aren’t completely, and the road to overcoming so many insecurities is most definitely still continuing. My blog is not necessarily the reason things are getting better, but it helped me find my voice, and gave me a creative outlet and a secretive place for personal matters. It was the beginning of a long journey to recovery, and while people say “the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem”, this was my way of doing so. And I loved every minute of it.

xoxo Phoebe

Zero to Hero: Who Am I, and Why Am I Here? (Day 1)

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Hello friends! I came across something called the Daily Post today, in which much of the WordPress world uses to share and express one’s ideas. Being self-absorbed in my own emotions and own writing so much of the time, I never thought to read much of what others had to say virtually unless I lacked inspiration. However, the Daily Post is doing a zero to hero blogging challenge, and part of the reasoning behind it is to help spread communication between bloggers, possibly sparking friendships and trading ideas. The happenings of the previous year have left me obliged to become a greater person, and I don’t know any better way of doing this than immersing myself with people of different ethnicities and morals. I’m hoping this will be an opportunity to get to know myself and others better, and to enjoy writing more. Also, I’m looking to narrow down career possibilities for the future and to pursue a variety of hobbies, and am hoping to prevent hurting myself physically and emotionally ever again. While we each write our own stories and encounter our own experiences, I’d love to share my personal process. If you want to read more about this challenge, here is the link to it. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/

So who am I? and why am I here?

My name is Phoebe, and I am just an awkwardly weird girl living in a freezing city. Being a junior in high school, college preparations have been building on as fast as time is ticking and while I know who I am in the sense of being able to establish what I love, my goals and aspirations for the future have yet to become a part of my personal manifesto.  For now, I know I like to read romance novels, listen to indie pop, take pictures, think about graduation, and am girly, friendly, confrontational, controlling, and occasionally self deprecating. I enjoy time spent with my family (mom, dad, and Annie, my 10-year old sister) and friends, spend way too much money on clothes and unhealthy foods, and love playing the piano and being a part of the swim team. I’m obsessed with beautiful people and love to converse with others. I get sad way too easily and am angry nearly as much, and with the help of people I love, am learning to become a better person by writing and talking with them, a professional, and especially myself.

I’m writing in this blog as part of a promise to myself, and while I may not be able to keep up with the daily entries being that school has always been my number 1 priority, I will try my best and hopefully learn about time management and explanations behind my personal turmoils in the process. I want to meet other bloggers and learn more about myself, and I want to get some experience as preparation for my journalism and psychology classes senior year. I’m hoping that this, and those courses, will help me decide or at least give some expertise on college and career choices. I want to feel better physically and emotionally, and become a happier person and erase the more despairing moments of 2013 from my memory. I want to love life as I did before, and I want to make my last few childhood years filled with opportune circumstances and happy moments. And, I want to share those times with you all and I want you guys to share yours with me. Maybe we’ll learn from each other and make our lives a bit brighter in the process.

xoxo Phoebe

Teenage girls

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madi smith problems

Hi guys, so I was perusing the web this morning and I stumbled across this essay type blog post on Tumblr. (I fricken love tumblr by the way, if you wanna follow me my name is lilsasslilclass) Anyway, this essay made me smile, nod in agreement and made me open my eyes to how much we as teenage girls go through. I know that when I was going through all of my stuff I felt completely and utterly alone, and now I guess I can see that none of us are ever alone. Everyone has their own story, everyone is going through or has gone through something completely earth shatteringly devastating. Yet we hide, we act like no one cares and no one will understand. Teenage girls, we aren’t alone. Listen to each other, and love each other because everyone’s life sucks for one reason or another at one point…

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Thanksgiving Love

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Once upon a time, in a land far far away (across the Atlantic Ocean) there was a little girl born to two of the smartest and most compassionate parents in the world. They did everything they possibly could for their child and more, including her mother quitting her job to take care of her daughter and moving the family across the ocean to a place not so far away. They lived life happily and simply in a small apartment at first, and eventually moved into a bigger house. The little girl started preschool and discovered a few things about herself; she loved to read and write, chose to play dress-up over going outside, and became jealous rather easily. Her mother was patient though, and loved her so dearly. Her dad was just as understanding and loving. This little girl was as happy as ever, until her parents had a baby sister. At first, she didn’t know how to feel about it but then realized her love for her newest sibling. Her parents were involved in her baby sister’s life, and this girl had a lot of time to herself. She tried to figure out who she was through different sports and music. She got perfect grades in school, was friends with everyone, and especially excelled in swimming and piano. She wasn’t always happy but this didn’t matter because her parents were. They finally had a perfect little family.

When this girl started middle school, she didn’t know who she was anymore. She was tired of being the awkward dorky elementary girl who befriended every kid on the playground and did everything her parents told her too. She started to meet new people and became a different person. And through this process, she hurt lots of people, including her old friends; her family, who had always been there for her; and especially herself. She began to hate everything that made her her, and her grades began slipping from A’s to B’s, she stopped going to swimming all the time, and quit piano altogether.

This girl began high school without something extremely important- herself. Somehow through the introductory stages she got through all of this and became friends with the most honest and best friends any girl could have. She was happy a lot, but she also was sad a lot. She didn’t know how to explain this and she doesn’t to this day. She loves her family and her friends, but somehow through learning and growing up, she never found out who she was. All she ever wanted was someone to call a best friend, someone so close and only so close to them, to understand and to listen and to love so dearly. She wanted someone to understand why the littlest things would make her so jealous, why she would stay up at night crying herself to sleep for weeks on end, and why she still doesn’t know what she loves in life. This once little girl born across the ocean to what seemed to be a nearly perfect family is no longer so little; she will be going off to college in two short years and feared that she will leave behind nothing. She feared that she would go into the next chapter of her life with no hope for the future, and disappoint her family and friends that she had already hurt so much. She wanted to know why she felt this way so often and why there was never anyone out there for her. She wanted to fix things and had no idea how, probably with love and friendship and happiness to help her make it through the next stage of her life, because she didn’t know how to do it alone.

So, junior year, seemingly the most important of all, became one filled with unrealistic expectations, sadness, and stress for her. With the academic pressure increasing and her personal problems developing, she became overwhelmed at multiple times and didn’t know what to do or how to ask for help. When she began to hurt herself and the people she loved in ways she had never imagined, she ruined the end of her summer, the start of her school year, her fall swim season, and her 17th birthday. She ruined her Halloween, her homecoming, her weekends, her meets, and her nights out with friends and MEA break and especially her grades. And she did things her parents would have never imagined and she would have never imagined, and it made her so sad all the time. But not so long ago, she gave in and confided in someone she trusts more than the world. And she helped this girl and the girl talked to people she loved and is hoping to turn things around with the help of many in ways still surprising herself today. While she never thought she would be the person to need so much love and attention and help from her family, friends, professionals, and everyone else in her life, she has to admit that things have been so much better for her. Although she knows that her grades still need improving, although she wishes she had had a better fall season, and although she’s sad that she wrecked the better half of the year, she’s finally come to realization this Thanksgiving season that she deserves to be happy- we all do. Because after spending months hating herself for who she had become, she realized there was nothing she could do about it. And while circumstances may not change enough or change too much, happiness is dependent on self-perception more than expected. So through a lot of help from her loved ones for a little change in attitude, she began to see things brightly. After feeling so badly about everything for so long, she is looking forward to having a fantastic Thanksgiving and Christmas, and being happier than she has in some time.  

When the streets glisten this holiday season, she wants you to take the time to think of things positively. While this is necessary for her own happiness and personal health, it can only benefit and improve the attitude and state of mind of others. So this Thanksgiving break, learn to appreciate your mother making you coffee the morning of a test, to appreciate the time we have off from school, to appreciate off-campus privileges and waterproof makeup and your dog greeting you as soon as you’re home. Learn to be thankful for the laughs from television shows, cries from sappy novels, and chilly fall days with the siblings. And tell your loved ones you are ever so thankful for their wise words of wisdom, satirical comments, and motivational messages. Tell those friends, those supportive teachers, fantastic coaches, wonderful teammates, lovely siblings, and good ole’ mom and dad that you love them. So- to all the lovely people reading this, count your blessings this Thanksgiving and have a happy holiday! Thank you all for being so wonderful and such positive presences in my life.

xoxo Phoebe