Today’s Zero to Hero challenge is to write the post that was on your mind when you first started your blog. I did write a brief introductory post when I began HappyGoUnlucky, but have now password protected it due to too much personal information and a bit of embarrassment. However, I will explain more about that in tonight’s post with a brief synopsis and reflection of the past.
Reading some of my older posts makes me sad because I can’t believe I used to feel such a way about myself. I would make lists of all the things I hated in my life and never even knew what I had going for me; I’d cry myself to sleep for nights on end and never wanted to see my friends and was always so moody, irritable, and temperamental. At one point, I couldn’t believe even then how much I hated myself; I would look at Facebook pictures of other girls and compare body image, and I became so jealous of girls I considered my friends for things like academic achievements, appearance, and personal possessions. When I started this blog, I just really needed a friend to talk to and I honestly believed I had no one in my life to play that role. I remember reading a few of the senior girls’ blogs from journalism, and while personal, they were extremely well-worded and eloquent. I wanted to be them- I wanted to have a cute relationship and J. Crew clothes and I wanted to have some idea of where I was going in life and how I would get there- something they all seemed to know and proved through writing about daily happenings in their lives. It was fun reading their posts and I was jealous of them, and I’ve always wanted that so badly- for people to be jealous of me, for people to look at my life and think, “Wow, she’s got it all put together”. I most definitely don’t and don’t think I ever will, but sophomore me thought that even tricking people into believing that would be substantial enough. I think part of me started this blog as an effort to pretend my life was going better than it really was, and it boosted my self-esteem and gave me a place to vent and store feelings I didn’t feel comfortable enough telling people. I started this blog as a sad and confused sixteen-year old, and I’m not here to say that I am now a happy and confident seventeen-year old; life doesn’t work that way. And I don’t want to say that things are better now because they aren’t completely, and the road to overcoming so many insecurities is most definitely still continuing. My blog is not necessarily the reason things are getting better, but it helped me find my voice, and gave me a creative outlet and a secretive place for personal matters. It was the beginning of a long journey to recovery, and while people say “the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem”, this was my way of doing so. And I loved every minute of it.
Hello friends! I came across something called the Daily Post today, in which much of the WordPress world uses to share and express one’s ideas. Being self-absorbed in my own emotions and own writing so much of the time, I never thought to read much of what others had to say virtually unless I lacked inspiration. However, the Daily Post is doing a zero to hero blogging challenge, and part of the reasoning behind it is to help spread communication between bloggers, possibly sparking friendships and trading ideas. The happenings of the previous year have left me obliged to become a greater person, and I don’t know any better way of doing this than immersing myself with people of different ethnicities and morals. I’m hoping this will be an opportunity to get to know myself and others better, and to enjoy writing more. Also, I’m looking to narrow down career possibilities for the future and to pursue a variety of hobbies, and am hoping to prevent hurting myself physically and emotionally ever again. While we each write our own stories and encounter our own experiences, I’d love to share my personal process. If you want to read more about this challenge, here is the link to it. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/
So who am I? and why am I here?
My name is Phoebe, and I am just an awkwardly weird girl living in a freezing city. Being a junior in high school, college preparations have been building on as fast as time is ticking and while I know who I am in the sense of being able to establish what I love, my goals and aspirations for the future have yet to become a part of my personal manifesto. For now, I know I like to read romance novels, listen to indie pop, take pictures, think about graduation, and am girly, friendly, confrontational, controlling, and occasionally self deprecating. I enjoy time spent with my family (mom, dad, and Annie, my 10-year old sister) and friends, spend way too much money on clothes and unhealthy foods, and love playing the piano and being a part of the swim team. I’m obsessed with beautiful people and love to converse with others. I get sad way too easily and am angry nearly as much, and with the help of people I love, am learning to become a better person by writing and talking with them, a professional, and especially myself.
I’m writing in this blog as part of a promise to myself, and while I may not be able to keep up with the daily entries being that school has always been my number 1 priority, I will try my best and hopefully learn about time management and explanations behind my personal turmoils in the process. I want to meet other bloggers and learn more about myself, and I want to get some experience as preparation for my journalism and psychology classes senior year. I’m hoping that this, and those courses, will help me decide or at least give some expertise on college and career choices. I want to feel better physically and emotionally, and become a happier person and erase the more despairing moments of 2013 from my memory. I want to love life as I did before, and I want to make my last few childhood years filled with opportune circumstances and happy moments. And, I want to share those times with you all and I want you guys to share yours with me. Maybe we’ll learn from each other and make our lives a bit brighter in the process.
Whenever I write on here I try to keep it subtle and eloquent and way more composed than my typically jumbled thoughts because that’s one more thing I don’t want people to see about me- how I’m so lost and don’t ever know what I’m saying or doing or thinking- not to mention it wouldn’t even make sense reading these posts to myself otherwise.
But I just need this one post to vent and rant and complain about every little thing in my life- problems that I’m sure many people have to deal with but don’t require this much attention or need to feel the satisfaction of saying things to forget, once and for all. So here we go-
We’re going to be juniors and I am not excited nor ready nor relieved nor happy I am scared out of my mind and I’m in denial that school starts. I’m not scared that I won’t get straight A’s or won’t get asked to prom or fail the ACT. Okay I lied I am but not as much as I’m scared that I’m just going to hate myself more and more and put myself in a worse and worse position through the stress of school and sports and family and everything. And especially my family they’re great so much of the time but sometimes I literally can’t handle them- I need to get out of this town now, I make excuses to spend the nights at friends’ houses, I tell them practice ends later than it really does and listen to loud trashy music alone in my car, and I’ve lived in the basement the whole summer and still can’t stand being home. I literally lie to get out of the house and sit in parking lots crying or spend nights driving around town over analyzing things and it’s all I can do, runs help occasionally but I hate exercise, music is just noise, and even sleep just puts things off. When I’m stressed I can eat though and I can eat so much, I don’t even think I know what it feels like to be full it’s just distracting and u g h I wish I wasn’t like this. Things aren’t even close to perfect for me but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if they were. Perfection is overrated as are first impressions, but all I want is for people to see me that way. I want to be that girl that is varsity three sports and good at gym and powderpuff football and goes to state for everything and looks cute dressed in sporty clothes, I want to wear all that trendy Tumblr-esque American Apparel Topshop Kate Spade Michael Kors Brandy Melville clothing and have the body for it especially, I want perfect grades and expensive things and popularity and basically a combined image of the best things I know out of everyone- I want to be the prettiest girl from my school mixed with the most athletic and the smartest which will never happen but what pathetic and shallow dreams and aspirations. Hoping for the perfect family with beautiful parents and siblings and cute family dinners and game nights and with professional photos and cute Christmas cards and a caring mother and funny father. I want to make my room and my car and our house all cute and I want to always be somewhat put together, and if not I want to be the exact opposite. Like I’m either going to break down and cry or I’m going to want myself to seem like I have everything going perfectly because in between is mediocre and in between is everyone else, whom I’m not so different from but just can’t accept. Ah and I don’t know what happened to the girl I used to be, I had such high hopes for the future and so much motivation and lately that’s all been gone. I don’t bother wearing any makeup if I won’t be seeing school people, and my parents have been bugging me since birth to study for ACTs SATs etc. etc. and I just can’t bring myself to do it and problems like those that probably many people can relate to but it’s sort of a big deal for me because I used to be so high maintenance, I’d get up extra early to try and look good and I’d stay after practice to make up missed yardage and I’d practice hours of piano daily. The only thing still going for me is school because the only people more disappointed than my parents will be me if I let that one go, but with the amount of stress and work this year I’m genuinely worried about it. I had so many thoughts on my mind when I started this post but I don’t know what to say anymore so I’m just going to end it here and maybe add more later. The title doesn’t even make too much sense at this point but ignore it, ever since I deleted my twitter no one’s been reading this anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem. Stay beautiful y’all and enjoy the rest of August, thanks for your time.