Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Girl Every Girl Is Jealous Of

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The Girl Every Girl Is Jealous Of

Thought Catalog

Her hair is always shiny. It’s long, but not too long, and never has split ends. It’s that dark, warm chestnut color that seems to be infinitely deep, with the halos of light that reflect off of it every few inches. It seems to move in one solid sheet, rippling and flowing and always falling perfectly over her shoulder. She smiles when she looks up at you, taking a small handful of that hair and flipping it to the side. It’s put together, but never fussy.

She has a good job, and you’re never quite sure what it is, but you know that it’s important. It’s for something like a non-profit, or a think tank, or something she refers to as a “firm.” (And you aren’t even sure what a “firm” really means.) She works long hours, and does her job, but she never seems too tired. When she takes…

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What Happens When You Let Go Of Your Sadness

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What Happens When You Let Go Of Your Sadness

Thought Catalog

There are people who bottle their sadness in scientific test tubes the way doctor’s bottle disease. They sit and wait until the doors are latched and the home is quiet. When they shoot up their demons, it’s not so much of a hit as it is a spiraling slide down to the pit of their belly to feast on the inner stomach lining. They become so lost in the haze of sadness that they are kept estranged from a rotating lighthouse trying to bring them home. Soon they’ve become too busy wrapping lifelines around the base of their throat to even hope that they might have it in them to save themselves.

This is what happens when sadness tells you that it is worthy, but your happiness is not. This is what happens when you believe it.

Do not give up on the idea of a life without heavy anchors tempting…

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Teenage girls

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madi smith problems

Hi guys, so I was perusing the web this morning and I stumbled across this essay type blog post on Tumblr. (I fricken love tumblr by the way, if you wanna follow me my name is lilsasslilclass) Anyway, this essay made me smile, nod in agreement and made me open my eyes to how much we as teenage girls go through. I know that when I was going through all of my stuff I felt completely and utterly alone, and now I guess I can see that none of us are ever alone. Everyone has their own story, everyone is going through or has gone through something completely earth shatteringly devastating. Yet we hide, we act like no one cares and no one will understand. Teenage girls, we aren’t alone. Listen to each other, and love each other because everyone’s life sucks for one reason or another at one point…

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Thanksgiving Love

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Once upon a time, in a land far far away (across the Atlantic Ocean) there was a little girl born to two of the smartest and most compassionate parents in the world. They did everything they possibly could for their child and more, including her mother quitting her job to take care of her daughter and moving the family across the ocean to a place not so far away. They lived life happily and simply in a small apartment at first, and eventually moved into a bigger house. The little girl started preschool and discovered a few things about herself; she loved to read and write, chose to play dress-up over going outside, and became jealous rather easily. Her mother was patient though, and loved her so dearly. Her dad was just as understanding and loving. This little girl was as happy as ever, until her parents had a baby sister. At first, she didn’t know how to feel about it but then realized her love for her newest sibling. Her parents were involved in her baby sister’s life, and this girl had a lot of time to herself. She tried to figure out who she was through different sports and music. She got perfect grades in school, was friends with everyone, and especially excelled in swimming and piano. She wasn’t always happy but this didn’t matter because her parents were. They finally had a perfect little family.

When this girl started middle school, she didn’t know who she was anymore. She was tired of being the awkward dorky elementary girl who befriended every kid on the playground and did everything her parents told her too. She started to meet new people and became a different person. And through this process, she hurt lots of people, including her old friends; her family, who had always been there for her; and especially herself. She began to hate everything that made her her, and her grades began slipping from A’s to B’s, she stopped going to swimming all the time, and quit piano altogether.

This girl began high school without something extremely important- herself. Somehow through the introductory stages she got through all of this and became friends with the most honest and best friends any girl could have. She was happy a lot, but she also was sad a lot. She didn’t know how to explain this and she doesn’t to this day. She loves her family and her friends, but somehow through learning and growing up, she never found out who she was. All she ever wanted was someone to call a best friend, someone so close and only so close to them, to understand and to listen and to love so dearly. She wanted someone to understand why the littlest things would make her so jealous, why she would stay up at night crying herself to sleep for weeks on end, and why she still doesn’t know what she loves in life. This once little girl born across the ocean to what seemed to be a nearly perfect family is no longer so little; she will be going off to college in two short years and feared that she will leave behind nothing. She feared that she would go into the next chapter of her life with no hope for the future, and disappoint her family and friends that she had already hurt so much. She wanted to know why she felt this way so often and why there was never anyone out there for her. She wanted to fix things and had no idea how, probably with love and friendship and happiness to help her make it through the next stage of her life, because she didn’t know how to do it alone.

So, junior year, seemingly the most important of all, became one filled with unrealistic expectations, sadness, and stress for her. With the academic pressure increasing and her personal problems developing, she became overwhelmed at multiple times and didn’t know what to do or how to ask for help. When she began to hurt herself and the people she loved in ways she had never imagined, she ruined the end of her summer, the start of her school year, her fall swim season, and her 17th birthday. She ruined her Halloween, her homecoming, her weekends, her meets, and her nights out with friends and MEA break and especially her grades. And she did things her parents would have never imagined and she would have never imagined, and it made her so sad all the time. But not so long ago, she gave in and confided in someone she trusts more than the world. And she helped this girl and the girl talked to people she loved and is hoping to turn things around with the help of many in ways still surprising herself today. While she never thought she would be the person to need so much love and attention and help from her family, friends, professionals, and everyone else in her life, she has to admit that things have been so much better for her. Although she knows that her grades still need improving, although she wishes she had had a better fall season, and although she’s sad that she wrecked the better half of the year, she’s finally come to realization this Thanksgiving season that she deserves to be happy- we all do. Because after spending months hating herself for who she had become, she realized there was nothing she could do about it. And while circumstances may not change enough or change too much, happiness is dependent on self-perception more than expected. So through a lot of help from her loved ones for a little change in attitude, she began to see things brightly. After feeling so badly about everything for so long, she is looking forward to having a fantastic Thanksgiving and Christmas, and being happier than she has in some time.  

When the streets glisten this holiday season, she wants you to take the time to think of things positively. While this is necessary for her own happiness and personal health, it can only benefit and improve the attitude and state of mind of others. So this Thanksgiving break, learn to appreciate your mother making you coffee the morning of a test, to appreciate the time we have off from school, to appreciate off-campus privileges and waterproof makeup and your dog greeting you as soon as you’re home. Learn to be thankful for the laughs from television shows, cries from sappy novels, and chilly fall days with the siblings. And tell your loved ones you are ever so thankful for their wise words of wisdom, satirical comments, and motivational messages. Tell those friends, those supportive teachers, fantastic coaches, wonderful teammates, lovely siblings, and good ole’ mom and dad that you love them. So- to all the lovely people reading this, count your blessings this Thanksgiving and have a happy holiday! Thank you all for being so wonderful and such positive presences in my life.

xoxo Phoebe

To my Fellow Fashionistas

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At the start of this swim season, my coach and I were having a heart-to-heart about personal matters, swimming goals, and everything in between. We came across the topic of friends, mine to be exact, and I remember her nonchalantly hinting to me that friends should be people who make you feel good about yourself, and people who bring out the best in you. I was sad and I was talking and I told her about times of betrayal and negligence and being that she’s someone, actually the only one, that I can talk to about basically anything, it hit me hard when she asked why I wasn’t friends with other people, wasn’t friends with more of the girls on our team. At the time, I got the impression that she didn’t like some of my friends because of some of the things I’ve told her or the way I act around them or some other false reason, so I took her words into consideration but not to heart. I do love the girls on our team, but I’ve never been ridiculously close to any of them to the point where we sit together at lunch, hang out outside of school, or talk and see much after the season ends. Two months later, I’ve come to realization that she is so right, and that I’m beyond lucky to spend time with some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Because though my best memories and laughs come from the nights spent doing crazy, dumb, or spontaneous things with my closest school friends, school can be tough and life can be hard and sometimes it’s good to have a group of different people you love just as dearly and can be yourself around. So tonight, I’m almost in tears writing end-of-season notes to my coaches and friends, specifically the most wonderful eight girls I’ve shared a lane with and had so many laughs with the past few months.
So- to Sharon, thank you, for always trying so hard. For doing your best every day and for teaching us all how to be a better person. For being the greatest role model for us all, a wonderful captain, and the nicest girl. Thank you for never giving up and for being so positive and so caring about everyone. Thanks for all the lane posters you’ve made and decorations you’ve bought and things you’ve done to try to bring our lane together, to try and bring our team together. Thank you Madie, for being energetic and nice and always in a good mood. For making bad days a bit better and for always smiling and always working and being a spectacular person to be around. Thank you Ece, for being the sweetest girl, ever. Thank you for making me feel better about myself through compliments and advice, and thank you for putting everyone in a better mood with some not-so-funny jokes and a contagious laugh. Thank you Laura, for being someone so easy to talk to and so easy to relate to. To remind me that we’ve had some wonderful times in the past, and that it’s okay to have harder days and that things will be okay. Thank you, Hanneke, for always being a spectacular friend especially when I’m not, for being kind to everyone and a wonderful person. For being easy to talk to, easy to laugh with, and a blast to swim with. Thank you, Jena, for being one of my favorite freshmen, and so nice all the time. Thank you for helping me realize that we’ve all got our own issues, and that it’s possible to manage things within your control through everything, and be quiet, fun, humble, and basically the opposite of a drama queen simultaneously. Thank you Carly, for being so cute and so sweet and so nice every day. Thank you for all the hugs and sweet words and for making me feel better, without even realizing it. Thank you, for being you. And to my dearest baby Megs, thank you for being a friend. For working hard every day, for comical stories, for the vent sessions and funny snapchats and for everything in between, thank you for making this season okay. I’m so proud to know you and I love you so much, I love you all.
xoxo Phoebe

The New Normal

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Is this okay, to be struggling this much? Is it okay to have grades that aren’t A’s at this point in the year? Is it okay to do badly on the PSAT? Is it okay to never have any motivation ever? Is it okay to be missing so many practices, so many debate meetings, so many hours of school? Is it okay to feel like shit all the time and never know what I’m doing and suck at school? Is it okay to not be able to bring yourself to finish assignments, to not do your best in everything, to not be the greatest friend you could possibly be? It’s not okay, but I can’t. I don’t know how and I need to figure things out but no one’s helping me and it’s never ever been this hard. I wonder where my friends are when I need them, I want to talk to my mom about this but she doesn’t understand. I want to talk to my coach about this but every time I do, I repeat my problems over and over again and I don’t think she knows what to tell me. And this sucks, because she doesn’t realize that everything she tells me I take to heart so anything would be appreciated. It’s so much pressure and stress and sadness and overwhelming and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this year, with all seriousness. I’m so terrible at everything and I don’t know how to fix this and there is literally no one there to help, ever.

xoxo Phoebe