Is this okay, to be struggling this much? Is it okay to have grades that aren’t A’s at this point in the year? Is it okay to do badly on the PSAT? Is it okay to never have any motivation ever? Is it okay to be missing so many practices, so many debate meetings, so many hours of school? Is it okay to feel like shit all the time and never know what I’m doing and suck at school? Is it okay to not be able to bring yourself to finish assignments, to not do your best in everything, to not be the greatest friend you could possibly be? It’s not okay, but I can’t. I don’t know how and I need to figure things out but no one’s helping me and it’s never ever been this hard. I wonder where my friends are when I need them, I want to talk to my mom about this but she doesn’t understand. I want to talk to my coach about this but every time I do, I repeat my problems over and over again and I don’t think she knows what to tell me. And this sucks, because she doesn’t realize that everything she tells me I take to heart so anything would be appreciated. It’s so much pressure and stress and sadness and overwhelming and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this year, with all seriousness. I’m so terrible at everything and I don’t know how to fix this and there is literally no one there to help, ever.
Whenever I write on here I try to keep it subtle and eloquent and way more composed than my typically jumbled thoughts because that’s one more thing I don’t want people to see about me- how I’m so lost and don’t ever know what I’m saying or doing or thinking- not to mention it wouldn’t even make sense reading these posts to myself otherwise.
But I just need this one post to vent and rant and complain about every little thing in my life- problems that I’m sure many people have to deal with but don’t require this much attention or need to feel the satisfaction of saying things to forget, once and for all. So here we go-
We’re going to be juniors and I am not excited nor ready nor relieved nor happy I am scared out of my mind and I’m in denial that school starts. I’m not scared that I won’t get straight A’s or won’t get asked to prom or fail the ACT. Okay I lied I am but not as much as I’m scared that I’m just going to hate myself more and more and put myself in a worse and worse position through the stress of school and sports and family and everything. And especially my family they’re great so much of the time but sometimes I literally can’t handle them- I need to get out of this town now, I make excuses to spend the nights at friends’ houses, I tell them practice ends later than it really does and listen to loud trashy music alone in my car, and I’ve lived in the basement the whole summer and still can’t stand being home. I literally lie to get out of the house and sit in parking lots crying or spend nights driving around town over analyzing things and it’s all I can do, runs help occasionally but I hate exercise, music is just noise, and even sleep just puts things off. When I’m stressed I can eat though and I can eat so much, I don’t even think I know what it feels like to be full it’s just distracting and u g h I wish I wasn’t like this. Things aren’t even close to perfect for me but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if they were. Perfection is overrated as are first impressions, but all I want is for people to see me that way. I want to be that girl that is varsity three sports and good at gym and powderpuff football and goes to state for everything and looks cute dressed in sporty clothes, I want to wear all that trendy Tumblr-esque American Apparel Topshop Kate Spade Michael Kors Brandy Melville clothing and have the body for it especially, I want perfect grades and expensive things and popularity and basically a combined image of the best things I know out of everyone- I want to be the prettiest girl from my school mixed with the most athletic and the smartest which will never happen but what pathetic and shallow dreams and aspirations. Hoping for the perfect family with beautiful parents and siblings and cute family dinners and game nights and with professional photos and cute Christmas cards and a caring mother and funny father. I want to make my room and my car and our house all cute and I want to always be somewhat put together, and if not I want to be the exact opposite. Like I’m either going to break down and cry or I’m going to want myself to seem like I have everything going perfectly because in between is mediocre and in between is everyone else, whom I’m not so different from but just can’t accept. Ah and I don’t know what happened to the girl I used to be, I had such high hopes for the future and so much motivation and lately that’s all been gone. I don’t bother wearing any makeup if I won’t be seeing school people, and my parents have been bugging me since birth to study for ACTs SATs etc. etc. and I just can’t bring myself to do it and problems like those that probably many people can relate to but it’s sort of a big deal for me because I used to be so high maintenance, I’d get up extra early to try and look good and I’d stay after practice to make up missed yardage and I’d practice hours of piano daily. The only thing still going for me is school because the only people more disappointed than my parents will be me if I let that one go, but with the amount of stress and work this year I’m genuinely worried about it. I had so many thoughts on my mind when I started this post but I don’t know what to say anymore so I’m just going to end it here and maybe add more later. The title doesn’t even make too much sense at this point but ignore it, ever since I deleted my twitter no one’s been reading this anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem. Stay beautiful y’all and enjoy the rest of August, thanks for your time.
this is a follow up from the horrible things about myself list- something sort of like that
– I never forget to respond to texts
– I don’t have sensitive skin and break out rarely
– generally pretty good at candy crush and jewel mania and games that take no skill whatsoever
– can always manage to find amazing deals in the clearance section of any store
– don’t have much of a sweet tooth so at least I can stuff my face with foods other than doughnuts and Oreos and brownies and such- probably saved me a good 20 lbs
– know how to do things properly with my hair- by this I mean I can cut it myself and curl it 70 different ways and dye it w/o any major issues
– I love reading so much
– I can type like 100 words per min
– math is generally pretty easy for me as long as shapes aren’t involved (slydig at geometry)
– I could be a professional Internet creeper
– don’t need more than 5 hours of sleep a night
– horrible at painting my nails
– can’t swim more than 50 yards of freestyle w/o feeling like passing out
– can’t twerk
– cannot pull my car in between the two lines of any normal parking space
– there is no foundation that matches my skin tone I might as well be a Martian
– music annoys me
– animals and little kids hate me
– always fall asleep during movies no matter how good they are
– beyond bad at directions
– I don’t shave my legs often enough- this has made its way to two blog posts in the same month so it’s a big problem
– so bad at test taking
well this was fun, more jumbled and random posts to come in the near future because through this cliche annoying process of trying to find who I am I need to be able to see myself entirely first, which includes small details such as the above, also I’m putting off summer homework
5:03 in the morning and I’m blogging. I don’t even care anymore, I don’t know what to say. I can’t keep anything to myself and I guess everyone had to find out about everything eventually but I can’t handle this. I just feel so horrible all the time and no one is here, I had secret accounts and this blog to talk about my problems and now those are gone too. Along with everything else I’ve worked so hard to earn I’m just sad and tired and sick of feeling like this all the time and want nothing more than to get out of this place. If you can’t blog about your feelings or tell anyone everything where do you keep all those emotions, those thoughts, and everything else? I mean I guess I could just be normal and keep them to myself but for some reason I just can’t do that. Can’t even believe myself for letting this all happen.