Today’s Zero to Hero challenge is to write the post that was on your mind when you first started your blog. I did write a brief introductory post when I began HappyGoUnlucky, but have now password protected it due to too much personal information and a bit of embarrassment. However, I will explain more about that in tonight’s post with a brief synopsis and reflection of the past.
Reading some of my older posts makes me sad because I can’t believe I used to feel such a way about myself. I would make lists of all the things I hated in my life and never even knew what I had going for me; I’d cry myself to sleep for nights on end and never wanted to see my friends and was always so moody, irritable, and temperamental. At one point, I couldn’t believe even then how much I hated myself; I would look at Facebook pictures of other girls and compare body image, and I became so jealous of girls I considered my friends for things like academic achievements, appearance, and personal possessions. When I started this blog, I just really needed a friend to talk to and I honestly believed I had no one in my life to play that role. I remember reading a few of the senior girls’ blogs from journalism, and while personal, they were extremely well-worded and eloquent. I wanted to be them- I wanted to have a cute relationship and J. Crew clothes and I wanted to have some idea of where I was going in life and how I would get there- something they all seemed to know and proved through writing about daily happenings in their lives. It was fun reading their posts and I was jealous of them, and I’ve always wanted that so badly- for people to be jealous of me, for people to look at my life and think, “Wow, she’s got it all put together”. I most definitely don’t and don’t think I ever will, but sophomore me thought that even tricking people into believing that would be substantial enough. I think part of me started this blog as an effort to pretend my life was going better than it really was, and it boosted my self-esteem and gave me a place to vent and store feelings I didn’t feel comfortable enough telling people. I started this blog as a sad and confused sixteen-year old, and I’m not here to say that I am now a happy and confident seventeen-year old; life doesn’t work that way. And I don’t want to say that things are better now because they aren’t completely, and the road to overcoming so many insecurities is most definitely still continuing. My blog is not necessarily the reason things are getting better, but it helped me find my voice, and gave me a creative outlet and a secretive place for personal matters. It was the beginning of a long journey to recovery, and while people say “the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem”, this was my way of doing so. And I loved every minute of it.